by Engi Sat Apr 02, 2011 12:58 pmAll I’ve ever done is sat there and waited in pure silence. I was never a bad child, never a loud or pushy or explosive child. I never meant to hurt anyone or be mean to anyone. I just wanted to be me.
So, for the first time, I had done something I wanted to do. Something that other people thought as bad or corrupt. Something people have given such a negative idea on. But that something was my true self, so I did it.
I watched them as they stared right back at me. The silence was cold and dreadful. They were just as afraid as I was to speak, so no one made a noise. We just stared at each other; my parents on one side of the table, me on the other. Just staring.
The silence wasn’t normal. It wasn't like the anticipated silence on Christmas as you sit up in bed waiting for Santa. It wasn't like the stressful silence in a classroom during a test. It was a suffocating silence. It felt as though it filled the room with thick, un-breathable air. Each breath seemed to get smaller and smaller.
I was too afraid to say anything. So I just started at them.
“Did you lose a bet? Or was this just a joke?” My mother finally spoke up, and I shook my head in response. She gave up and went back to staring. The silence slowly wrapped around my neck like a snake, cutting of my breath and waiting for me to die.
I tried to take a deep, shaking breath.
“Is this some type of hobby?” My father asked, the silence broken. I could breathe again.
I shrugged in response, my gaze falling to the ground. The pressure on me got heavier as this strange silence over took the room. I was being crushed with my own nervousness. The air, now tasting sickly sweet, strangled me again, but I refused to say anything. I stared straight at the wooden floor, my eyes slowly jumping from line to line.
My mother finally got up and both my father gaze and My gazes went straight to her. “When you were born,” She started, “the doctor told me you were a girl.” She shook her head, staring off into a memory that I didn’t have. “I was the happiest person alive. To have been gifted another daughter.” The simple idea of two girls caused her to smile. But it slowly faded and she looked back to me. “But I was given you to hold. You were not a girl. You were a boy. I argued with the nurse, but she told me that she had said boy and not girl. Now that I think about it, maybe she was right. Maybe you were a girl to begin with.”
“Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuubreeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!” A loud shout rang out above the field as a small girl ran down a tall hill off grass, her feet struggling to get in front of her before she fell. She ran towards a boy, walking alone across the track. He turned his head to watch her. She stumbled to the bottom of the hill, and then kept on running to him. “Aubrey Aubrey!” She called over and over again, finally tackling the boy to the ground. That boy was me.
“Hey Natalie.” I called out from under her as she laughed.
"Aubrey, can you come over today? I got something to show you!" She said, sitting up on my back. Natalie was a thin, hyper little girl. Her eyes were brown, but they seemed brighter then any blue or green could ever get. Her hair was that same brown. It fell to her shoulders in waves. Her teeth, not perfect, but still fine enough, fit kindly in a smile that seemed to stretch from ear to ear. She had started wearing these little summer dresses as the days got hotter. They were cute, and along with a little necklace, her look was complete. The skin on her arms and back was slowly starting to tan with the arrival of summer.
They say people with radiant hearts always shine no matter what they are doing. For Natalie, this was true.
"Yeah, I can."I replied, struggling to get up with her on me.
So, for the first time, I had done something I wanted to do. Something that other people thought as bad or corrupt. Something people have given such a negative idea on. But that something was my true self, so I did it.
I watched them as they stared right back at me. The silence was cold and dreadful. They were just as afraid as I was to speak, so no one made a noise. We just stared at each other; my parents on one side of the table, me on the other. Just staring.
The silence wasn’t normal. It wasn't like the anticipated silence on Christmas as you sit up in bed waiting for Santa. It wasn't like the stressful silence in a classroom during a test. It was a suffocating silence. It felt as though it filled the room with thick, un-breathable air. Each breath seemed to get smaller and smaller.
I was too afraid to say anything. So I just started at them.
“Did you lose a bet? Or was this just a joke?” My mother finally spoke up, and I shook my head in response. She gave up and went back to staring. The silence slowly wrapped around my neck like a snake, cutting of my breath and waiting for me to die.
I tried to take a deep, shaking breath.
“Is this some type of hobby?” My father asked, the silence broken. I could breathe again.
I shrugged in response, my gaze falling to the ground. The pressure on me got heavier as this strange silence over took the room. I was being crushed with my own nervousness. The air, now tasting sickly sweet, strangled me again, but I refused to say anything. I stared straight at the wooden floor, my eyes slowly jumping from line to line.
My mother finally got up and both my father gaze and My gazes went straight to her. “When you were born,” She started, “the doctor told me you were a girl.” She shook her head, staring off into a memory that I didn’t have. “I was the happiest person alive. To have been gifted another daughter.” The simple idea of two girls caused her to smile. But it slowly faded and she looked back to me. “But I was given you to hold. You were not a girl. You were a boy. I argued with the nurse, but she told me that she had said boy and not girl. Now that I think about it, maybe she was right. Maybe you were a girl to begin with.”
_____________
What happened.
What happened.
“Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuubreeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!” A loud shout rang out above the field as a small girl ran down a tall hill off grass, her feet struggling to get in front of her before she fell. She ran towards a boy, walking alone across the track. He turned his head to watch her. She stumbled to the bottom of the hill, and then kept on running to him. “Aubrey Aubrey!” She called over and over again, finally tackling the boy to the ground. That boy was me.
“Hey Natalie.” I called out from under her as she laughed.
"Aubrey, can you come over today? I got something to show you!" She said, sitting up on my back. Natalie was a thin, hyper little girl. Her eyes were brown, but they seemed brighter then any blue or green could ever get. Her hair was that same brown. It fell to her shoulders in waves. Her teeth, not perfect, but still fine enough, fit kindly in a smile that seemed to stretch from ear to ear. She had started wearing these little summer dresses as the days got hotter. They were cute, and along with a little necklace, her look was complete. The skin on her arms and back was slowly starting to tan with the arrival of summer.
They say people with radiant hearts always shine no matter what they are doing. For Natalie, this was true.
"Yeah, I can."I replied, struggling to get up with her on me.
